Thinking about changing my xanga name...ill post it later..maybe

i really need to get over Bryan. Its just SOOOOO HARD! Hes just...so perfect for me. Hes my bestfriend and ill always love him. But hes driving me insane. B/c i love him so much but it hurts just as much. To hear him say "i love you danae" hurts so bad. To hear him call me his friend hurts. Im grateful to be his friend but i still love him. I can never get over him..Every song reminds me of him..every movie makes me think of him. Hes everywhere. I cant get him out of my head. Hes haunting me..and even though it hurts so much to think of him i love it. I love thinking about him. I care about him so much. Its pathetic! During bad weather ill call and make sure hes okay...Its tearing me up inside. Why did i fall for him? Why did i fall in love w/ Bryan?! It sux more then anything! Why didnt i just stick w/ Cody? I liked Cody..but Bryan was better..he was better then Kyle too..He was always better. The things he says makes me smile while others thinks hes a loser...I can be myself aropund him...but i still care about what he thinks about me. He never thinks of me..i dream of him everynight. I think about him all the time. I love him so much. Hes my first love. The one person i can actually say i love. Hes my bestfriend. My one love. My everything my only one. No one will ever replace him. He kills me. He know he does...that one phone call led to all of this. Late night calls..talking untill 5 am. Waking up at 7 for school. I loved it. Falling asleep in class. I loved it so much!!!!! Sneaking long distance phone calls while i was out of town. Texting all night all through class. We talked so much. Then when we were together it was like...this is where im sposed to be. Here w/ him. We had so much fun together down in Austin. No second thoughts. No "Oh that guys hot" no nothing. All that mattered was him...that he was there and i was w/ him.It seemed right. Then...now...its ruined. Its gone. Hes gone. Hes never coming back. Kyle was fun...but it wasnt my place. Now im fine but its not where i feel like im sposed to be. I belong w/ Bryan. Thats where my heart lies...with him. He makes me happy when no one else can. He brightens my world. He makes me so mad so much...but i still love him. He makes me so jealous sometimes but i still love him. He thinks its a crush but its so much more. This isnt like anyother guy ive ever liked before. He makes me smile when we're not even talking. Not even around each other...he makes me smile from memorys. The small things hes said and done. A simple smile will stay in my head for days...one memory i cant let go of..its close to me. Something so small to him means the world to me...hell never know how much he means to me and how grateful i am to be his friend.

Okay. I was texting Josh today and like dude...He likes me still!!!!! Omg its so creepy. haha. Like hes a cool FRIEND but nothing more. Ya know? He was like "Please dont confess your undying love for bryan to me. It still tears me up im working on it." And i was like "are you drunk? Or are you serious?" he was like Im sober. Ahh! haha. He was like "if a girl would ever destroy our friendship i would let him have her rather then ruin our friendship" i was like thats sad but sweet. Im listening to Blink 182 right now. Reminds me of Bryan of course b/c he like got me so into Blink182. But whatever. This song 'Down' really reminds me of him. The words. Now im listening to Hawthorne Heights-Ohio is for lovers. Im gonna go b/c i LOVE this song so freakin much. But i still love Bryan so much more. Ah...i cant get into that right now. Josh was like "Yeah your secret is safe w/ me. I dont know if he knows how much you love him.." Im like..."oh. Well...just dont let him see that one text"

XoXo Chelsea <3